JOIN MICELLA PHOENIX DeWHYSE--GRAD STUDENT EXTRAORDINAIRE--AS
SHE MAKES HER WAY THROUGH GRAD SCHOOL IN MATERIALS SCIENCE AND
ENGINEERING
INDEX OF ARTICLES
I've come to that point in graduate school at which you dislike
everything and everybody and want to do whatever you have to do to
escape as quickly as possible.
I've recently had an abrupt change of heart. I've left
the fields of apathy I dwelt in many days during my third year of
graduate school and wandered into more motivated pastures.
I've realized it's time to leave (with degree in hand of
course). Sooner, not later; the operatic diva has started to warm
up.
I've come to that point in graduate school that someone told me
about years ago: the point at which you dislike everything and
everybody and want to do whatever you have to do to escape as
quickly as possible. Welcome to year 4, that weird time when people
start asking you, So, how much longer?--and you want to strangle
them because you have an answer in your head, sort of. But there
are papers to write, advisers to please, younger students to train,
undergraduates to manage, and classes to teach ... and all you
really want to do is propose, finish, defend, andleave.
Yes--at the beginning of my fourth year I have found
motivation.
I've reached that point where new students coming into the
department aren't interesting. Even if they join your group, you
only have to deal with them for brief periods of time, so why
bother putting forth great chunks of time on them? Some advice here
or there is reasonable, but long, drawn-out histories, um, maybe
not. I'll be out of here soon, anyway.
I think maybe the vacation did it, getting away for a little
while and facing my inquisitive family and friends who have real
lives already. Before the vacation, I'd reached the point of
extreme apathy--not knowing, not caring, not caring to know. Before
the vacation, I was feeling sorry for myself, despising the many
hours I spent at school/work, wondering where I would find the
enthusiasm to finish and leave. It was pitiful. I'm ashamed to say
that it was me, but I know I can't be the only one who has these
moments of angst, denial, and depression.
I decided to run away for a little while; I needed to change my
environment. I went home and had a little rest and relaxation. At
home I found what I needed but didn't necessarily want--family
members asking, more than once,How much longer?
In addition to dealing with the family inquiries, I saw some
friends from undergraduate years during my escape. A few are still
in school, but most of them have moved past the contingent phase,
the time of life when you sit around waiting for your life to
begin. Yet seeing them didn't depress me the way I thought it was
going to; it actually invigorated me to come back, kick it in the
head, finish reading, learning, experimenting, and
justfinish.
I'm amazed at how different I feel about my experience in
graduate school now than I felt a few short years ago. Reading back
through chapters
1 and
2 , I hardly know that bright-eyed, bushy-tailed young lady who
hadn't the slightest idea what was about to hit her.
Yet her (my) instincts were pretty good, and I managed to make
it this far with fewer scars than some of my co-workers. I didn't
realize, back then, that I was in for so much personal growth. So
many little crises--comps: chapters
3 ,
7 , and
13 ; being female: chapter
8 ; research anxiety: chapter
15 ; disliking my project: chapters
19 and
20 (and others, no doubt, still to come)--so little time.
The people I met my first year either have come, annoyed, and
moved on or have come to be good friends. For those of you just
starting, give yourself at least a semester and a half to make
friends, and then figure out which ones you want to keep close and
which will remain mere acquaintances. Even acquaintances are nice,
though; it is comforting to walk through campus or town and know
people more than I used to. I don't mind eating by myself or going
to the movies on my own sometimes; the fewer schedules I have to
coordinate, the better.
I've come to a place where I know deep down that my situation is
temporary, so I no longer look for every opportunity to escape. I
don't need to do something with someone every weekend. I've become
very careful of how and with whom I spend my time--Will this
situation make me smile? Or will it just irritate me?--because I
don't have as much time to waste any more. I've got work to do, a
degree to finish.
I still haven't the slightest idea what I'm going to do when I'm
done (Chapter
1 ). It might be a university professorship, but probably not,
at least not at a Research I university. Maybe I'll work in science
and education policy. Maybe I'll work for a nonprofit. Maybe I'll
join some university's initiative to improve education and training
for scientists at all levels.
I like people, sometimes. A parade of people would keep life
interesting, I like helping people to become the best they can be.
Maybe I'll find a career that will let me do this every day.
I've remained involved in my community. I've tried to maintain
relationships with all of the offices on campus that are related to
what I am (a graduate student), what I do (science and
engineering), or who I am (a black woman). This community
involvement is time-consuming, but it keeps me connected to the
campus and the goings-on of my fellow students in other
departments. It has allowed me to
mentor a few
students , and it has provided me with mentors outside my
department who have been great sounding boards when I'm feeling
claustrophobic.
My
social life has evolved over time. I was never a
sit-around-and-wait-for-it kind of woman, but now I have people to
call up and go out with. My struggle now is to find peace and
patience with the research, to do it well, and to get it done. I
can see now, and I willingly admit, that I haven't been the
greatest graduate student. There is always more to read, more to
do, more to marvel at and think about. Sometimes I've tried my
best. Other times I haven't. But who can be perfect, "on" all the
time? Not me, kids, not me. But now is the time for me to become a
better student than before. Now that all those social and other
distractions are behind me, it's time to rally, time to do the best
work I'm capable of, and vanish.
As for the lab, it too has been functional or dysfunctional
(chapters
4 ,
25 , and
26 ) in cycles, more or less like me. We're actually now
getting to where we can laugh and joke in group meetings, with
everyone on or approaching the same page. It was a long road, but
somehow we have started to enjoy each other's company every now and
then. There is still work to do, but it seems as if the lab group
has gelled slowly but surely.
Here I am, at the beginning of year 4. I've emerged from my funk
long enough and far enough to see that, yes, I will leave one day,
hopefully soon, but there is much to do. I have two proposals to
write and defend them before I officially start my thesis work
(though, of course, in reality much of the work is already done).
Happily, things are working well right now; it's still not my
favorite thing in the world to be doing (Chapters
19 and
20 ), but good data are good data. We hope to have another
paper (Chapter
18 ) out soon trumpeting our good work.
If you're reading this and you're younger than me--or even if
you're older but haven't reached the point I've newly found, (which
I'm told is a good place to be)--take heart. Yes, it can be done.
Yes, it hurts, but with a little luck it only hurts a little.
Suggested reading for you newbies:
Chapters 1 through 8 detail the "joys" of my first year.
Chapters 27 through 30 talk about the communication skills we
aren't taught as students but that we desperately need to succeed
in grad school and beyond. Take care, good luck, and wish me the
same. We all need it.